How are you ? How are you doing ? What’s new? Sound familiar? At one point or the other we have either asked this question or been asked. More often than not, by the time we recollect the last few days or weeks to even formulate a cohesive thought and begin a reply, the asker has moved on.
Unfortunately this is the state of modern day affairs where we are asked but the time is too short for a response or in fact the case may be that no one is interested in listening to the answer. That is the issue. As a species, we have forgotten the art of dialogue which requires one person to speak and one to listen, and then the roles are reversed. Thoughts are exchanged, an idea or feeling is conveyed. This simple concept has been reduced to rubble with useless pleasantries that serve no purpose. Worse yet it the impersonal communications via electronic sources, text or email. The human heart is taken out of the equation.
One must not blame society for this illness, but realize at times the asker does not have the bandwidth to engage in the conversation or hold space to listen. At times we feel obligated to then to try to solve someone else’s problem after they do reply “how they are doing” if there is a negative connotation, like as if it is our responsibility to make them feel better. It is not, unless specifically asked for advice.
Listening is an art. Responding equally so. We may feel pressured by time to reply yet unfocussed to realize that it is not the reply but the response that is healing portion, and sometimes silence and holding space is just as important as words. Remember that the words reply and respond are not to be mistaken for being synonymous.
When asked “ how are you?” I typically try to find a witty reply such as “ Any better I would be twins.” Or “ To feel this good is illegal”, or “ I am upright and passing gas” or “ things are getting better when my eyes are open.” I create these phrases for entertainment, to break the monotony of the question and catch the asker off guard, or bring a smile to their face, knowing full well that the person asking is not genuinely interested in my life, my problems, my trials or tribulations. And that is perfectly acceptable.
It is not their place to be that sounding board. We each have our innermost circle of close family or friends who are sincerely concerned for our well being and wish to be part of that level of understanding, and usually the feeling is mutual. Yet it would not hurt for any of us to pause and listen from time to time to the reply to the question that we ask, without necessarily the hurry that we may feel in responding.
This is the art of a heart to heart connection. It makes us a little more divine when we listen.
……………….
I love you
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