So I lost a friend recently. In fact more of an acquaintance really. Someone who I had known briefly, yet why do I feel their loss. The water tastes bland, the stars shine a little dimmer and the blades of grass look dull. I keep having this feeling that I perhaps could have taken the time to know her better. Yet I did not and now that time has passed, I lost that opportunity. Ran out of time.
That’s just it though, running out of time. It is that feeling reflected in me that I am running out of time in my life. Running out of the time to experience, or running out of the time to fulfill my purpose, or running out of the time to do the things on my bucket list.
We all have a bucket list, an arbitrary list of miscellaneous things to do, see, experience, or accomplish that sits in a stuffed drawer somewhere on a dusty table covered with the mundane. A list that holds the completions of perhaps other people and I want to aspire to do what they did. Is that truly my own inspired goal or someone else’s dream that they did that I want to do for myself?
What is MY dream,or MY purpose that I want to complete. How do I want to finish that sentence on the typewriter of my life? I keep thinking I will do it tomorrow. Yet what if tomorrow is today? What if my waiting leads to the running out of time and tomorrow never arrives?
In feeling this rawness of “running out” I discover my own vulnerability, my own idiocy of predictability. Yet I see time running out even as I witness my own children growing up too fast, or my hair falling out even faster, or my eyesight changing, or any number of subtle changes of my body, and mind, yet I foolishly think I have control over time. I skirt each bucket list task onto and under the heading of tomorrow as if it is a rug, or live with the certainty of life. There is no certainty.
So as I settle back into this tribute for this friend and the life they led, I become more determined that I choose to not walk carefully, but dare to chase my dreams and not simply arrive safely at death. I wonder at the sparkle of life within me and choose to let it shine and radiate. I intend to fully use my gifts each day and experience life vibrantly with all concerned or even myself. See and do everything that I would love to on my terms not anyone else’s timeline.
Time may be running out, yet by unloading this pressure and committing myself to the moment I can accomplish my dreams, goals and purpose. I choose to breathe new life into my day. I thank her for her brightness of light and the intensity with which she held space in the lives and hearts of others. Even in this passing, she afforded me the learning of a life time. A gift that I birthed in this moment of awareness.
Time is but an illusion, so Live for today. Love forever. Do it all, start now.
…………………
I love you
