My path to Fasting #3. ( an unexpected turn )
Very different post was going to be posted today, yet woke up at 430am and wrote this. Thought it was important to share.
( I will add the interpretation next to each moment)
Rough night. Couldn’t sleep. First time in weeks, months. Slept at 2am.
Vivid dreams.
I walked into a highway rest area with my son and in to the food court. Everything was distorted and bright lights and loud noises.
It was deafening. MY son slipped my hand and ran off and did not hear my shouts to stop.
I was alone.
Standing in front of the counters of food
The first one was the counter of big giant cheesy pizza ( the image of when I was scared to drive a long journey for the first time in a snow storm I stopped over for an unhealthy choice of pizza)
Then saw the counter of scrumptious fried chicken ( eaten when I was all alone in college and my family had left me for the semester)
Then saw the counter of icecream sundaes ( eaten when I had failed my first exam to make me feel better)
The sparkling donut counter ( when I had felt ashamed)
The maple drenched waffle counter ( eaten after I had a bad night as an medical intern)
The tempting alcohol counter ( consumed when I felt awkward at a party)
The French fries dripping with cheese ( when I felt guilty about how I spoke to a friend)
The gushing soda counter ( consumed when I was feeling ashamed while in school )
My son returns now with no shirt and dreadlocks and looks like he joined a gang ( another unfounded fear) yet as I turned this was the food counter of burgers ( dont eat beef !)
These seemingly went on for a while like a spiral around me in the food court.
Junk food….> experience…..> fear
Of note I have not had any of these foods in a very long time, and some over 15 to 20 years ago
Were all these food dreams there to counterbalance my desire to be healthier?
Unlikely as health had been my quest before the fast. But then what.
It was a like a conference of my fears had assembled before me. Taunting me.
I respectfully looked at each food and each experience, smiled and asked each to reveal the fear.
Guilt, Shame, betrayal, loneliness, failure, arrogance, anger, alone, inadequacy and many such appeared as the fog of each experience dissipated.
I got up with a start. I was NOT hungry.
If I was fearful of lack of food well that should have happened day 3. Not now
My blood sugar was fine.
I focussed my breathing.
I felt each fear. Allowing to pass through me.
Each event that I had had, each experience that I hid with food, was simply an experience I had carefully hidden away from my conscious to avoid the fear in that moment
Yet now in meditation with clarity I could see how each guilt, shame, betrayal , failure etc all were there to teach me and served me to become stronger, independent, empowered.
I remembered how I did grow from each ” terrible or shameful or scary” event.
Suddenly these fears who were looking at me, smiled !
Respectfully they vanished.
This was not a hallucination but a potent cathartic transformation as more memories came up.
I am in tears of gratitude.
My body loves me.
And I am worthy of love.
PS A moment of synchronicity…. My 4 year old is lying asleep next to me as I woke with a start and in her sleep she is singing the lyrics to Frozen 2 song ” Show yourself”.
I realized this was for me to once again to not let go or use past my fears but honor them and integrate them for they are part of me and to show my self as my complete self.
I am whole
I am love
…………….
I love you
